Joel has given me some excellent coaching on a difficult situation: setting a very tough Boundary with a close family member. Although I know I’m not responsible for other people’s reactions, I wanted to give this person the best possible chance to react well.

 

First, I want to say that Joel’s very presence is amazingly warm and safe, which I would describe as somewhere between fatherly and favorite uncle. He listens with empathy and without judgement, and he speaks with a soothing tone that makes you feel safe to share. The situation I’m in with my family member is extremely difficult, and Joel handled it with unwavering strength and compassion.

 

He began by listening to me and helping me to determine that in this future conversation with my family member I will need to show up as my most compassionate yet firm self. After that we role played. In the first round of role playing, he played me as my most compassionate yet firm self, and I played my family member.

 

During this role playing, there were times when I felt like, “Dang, he makes a better me than I do!”

 

He said some things as “me” that I felt would work on my family member, and they also felt natural to me as if they were words that I would actually say.

 

Then we switched roles, I played me and he played my family member. He played my family member almost a little too perfectly, and that was impressive especially considering that we had just started talking about this person a few minutes earlier. Role playing accurately as my family member, he quickly got me to the point of frustration—the exact moment for which I needed the coaching.

 

We stopped the role playing and he helped me explore my feelings and the thoughts behind them. He helped me reframe my thoughts of frustration as thoughts of love and compassion for this family member. The purpose of my Boundary is not only to maintain my own sanity but also I’m hoping it will help my family member.

 

We did another round of role playing with me as myself and Joel as my family member. I found that I was now able to show up as my most compassionate yet firm self.

 

Also, during the session he kept scrupulous notes. Upon my request he was able to go through them and find the exact thing he said as me that I thought was so brilliant and I felt might actually work with my family member.

 

Weeks later, I’m now in the process of setting and enforcing the Boundary with my family member, and so far it’s going well. Even if this person ends up blowing up, I know that I did my part showing up as my absolute best.

 

Thank you, Joel, for your wonderful coaching.